Jokes written by Members

plz don't read this 


nahi to 
ho jayega 

kya? 

arre wahi 
jis se hum darte hai 
? 
? 
? 
wahi jo is umar me aksar ho jata hai 
? 
? 
? 
dekha ho gaya na 
? 
? 
time waste!!

the following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide..

1. was that the same nose you broke as a child? <

2. now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

3. q: what happened then?
a: he told me, he says, "i have to kill you because you can identify me."
q: did he kill you?

4. was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

5. the youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

6. were you alone or by yourself?

7. how long have you been a french canadian?

8. do you have any children or anything of that kind?

9. q: i show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
a: that's me.
q: were you present when that picture was taken?

10. were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

11. q: now, mrs. johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
a: by death.
q: and by whose death was it terminated?

12. q: do you know how far pregnant you are now?
a: i'll be three months on november 8.
q: apparently, then, the date of conception was august 8?
a: yes.
q: what were you doing at that time?

13. q: mrs. jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
a: i used to be.
q: how many times have you committed suicide?

14. so you were gone until you returned?

15. q: she had three children, right?
a: yes.
q: how many were boys?
a: none.
q: were there girls?

16. you don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

17. q: you say that the stairs went down to the basement?
a: yes.
q: and these stairs, did they go up also?

18. q: have you lived in this town all your life?
a: not yet.

19. a texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "your honor, i'd like to strike the next question."

20. q: do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of mr. edington at the rose chapel?
a: it was in the evening. the autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
q: and mr. edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
a: no, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why i was doing an autopsy!

she told him "tomorrow morning, i expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds and it better be there !!"

the next morning he got up early and left for work. when his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

she opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

bob has been missing since friday.

juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police.
'what are those knives doing in your car?' asked the officer.
'i juggle them in my act.'
oh yeah?' says the cop. 'let's see you do it.'
so the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.
a guy driving by sees this and says, 'wow, am i glad i quit drinking. look at the test they're making you do now!'

one day pete was complaining to his friend "my elbow hurts. i better
see a doctor". his friend said "don't do that. there's a computer in
the drug store that can diagnose anything. it's quicker and cheaper
than visiting a doctor. simply put a urine sample in the machine and
it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. it
only costs $10.00."
pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine
sample. he went to the drug store. finding the computer, he poured in
the sample and deposited $10.00. the computer started to make a weird
nose and various lights began to flash. after a brief pause, a small
slip of paper printed. it said:

you have tennis elbow.
soak your arm in warm water,
avoid heavy labor,
it will be better in two weeks.

later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, pete
began to wonder if it could be fooled. he decided to give it a try.
he mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter. to top it off, he masterbated into the concoction.
he went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and
deposited $10.00. the machinhe again made the usual noise and printed out
the following analysis:

your water is hard,
get a softener.

your dog has worms,
get him shots.

your daughter's using cocaine,
get her into a rehab clinic.

your wife's pregnant,
it's not yours,
get a lawyer.

and if you don't stop jerking off,
your tennis elbow will never get better!

a woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to
file her taxes. the accountant says, "before we begin, i'll need to ask a
few questions." he gets her name, address, social security number, etc.
and then asks, "what is your occupation?"
the woman replies, "i'm a whore."
the accountant balks and says, "no, no, no. that will never work. that is
much too crass. let's try to rephrase that."
the woman, "ok, i'm a prostitute."
"no, that is still too crude. try again."
they both think for a minute, then the woman states, "i'm a chicken
farmer."
the accountant asks, "what does chicken farming have to do with being a
whore or a prostitute?"
"well, i raised over 5,000 cocks last year."

the beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing
tour with a very rich african king who was a very important
client.
the client out of the blue asks her to marry him. naturally, the secretary
is quite taken aback. however, she remembers what her boss told her,
...don't reject the guy outright. so, she tries to think of a way to
dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
so, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "i will only marry you
under three conditions. first, i want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat
diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."
the african king pauses for awhile. then, he nods his head and says, "no
problem!! i have. i have."
realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "i
want you to build me a 100-room mansion in new york. as a vacation home, i
want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in france."
the african king pauses for awhile. he whips out his cellular phone and
calls some brokers in new york and in france. he looks at the woman, nods
his head and says, "okay, okay. i build. i build."
realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that
she'd better make this a good one. she takes her time to
think and finally she gets an idea. a sure-to-work condition. she squints
her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "since i like sex, i
want the man i marry to have a 14-inch penis."
the man seems a bit disturbed. he cups his face with his hands and rests
his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in african
dialect.
finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking
really sad, and says to the woman, "okay, okay. i cut. i
cut."

sherlock holmes and doctor watson are hiking. they hiked all day long and
then, having gotten tired, unpacked and quickly retired.

holmes wakes up deep into the night, wakes watson and says "watson, do you
see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? what can you
deduce from it?"

watson yawns and tries to play the game. "well, this clearly tells us the
weather tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny."

"no, my friend. it's much simpler than that. someone has stolen our tent."

pinocchio talks to gepetto:
- daddy my dick is all jagged and crooked so i have no success with girls.
- you know, my son, i didn’t care too much about that detail, but that should not be a problem. go to the shop, take a sandpaper and fix it.
after some time, gepetto asks pinocchio:
- well, did you resolve the problem with the girls?
- daddy, since i got the sandpaper who needs the girls anymore.

one man calls emergency:
- come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!
after five minutes, the same man calls back:
- it is ok, i found another one.

one woman stops a taxi.
- to the airport, please.
after ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says:
- you are third pregnant woman that i have driven to the airport today.
- are you kidding me, i am not pregnant.
- well, you haven’t arrived to the airport yet neither.

a little boy asked his mother:
- mummy, why are you white and i am black?
- don’t even ask me that, when i remember that party..., you are lucky that you don’t bark.

two friends:
- tonight i am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. do you want to come?
- of course! how many people are coming?
- three, if you bring your girlfriend.

wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.
- darling, i will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour.
as soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says:
- gorgonzola!
- wait, it is not on yet.

a jokes fun club. all the jokes are catalogued and the old members know their numbers. an old member says:
- five!
all laugh. another member:
- twenty four!
general laugh. a newbie, first time in one session, saw that's enough tell the number of a joke, decides to try:
- sixteen!
absolute silence. nobody laugh. one of the old members tells him:
- colleague, doesn’t matter the joke, it’s important to tell it well.

a redneck calles up the white house and tells the receptionist:
i'd like to become the next president of the united states.
the receptionist: what are you, an idiot?
redneck: why, is it required?

after spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took
usd300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.
thanks, she said. but i only charge usd20.
twenty bucks for the entire night? the amazed mp replied. you can't
make a living on that.
oh, don't worry, the whore replied. i do a little blackmail on the
side!

serbian official press agency claimed today that serbian forces shot down
two f-117 planes and four ballistic smart missiles.
pentagon denied the statement, saying that all of them had safely returned
to nato's base.

little boy: what will communism be like when perfected?

his father: everyone will have what he needs.

lb: but what if there is a shortage of meat?

hf: there will be a sign in the butcher shop saying,
no one needs meat today.